and no… I did not just start kindergarten. But in a way…I kind of did.
I have quite the memory, ask my husband (or anyone who has ever crossed me ;P) I actually remember a lot from my time in kindergarten. It helps that I was born in a small town, and still know a great many of the people who attended Mrs. Giedner’s class with me. But this week I am learning about kindergarten through a whole new lens. The step was a truly scary one for me. I cried a lot. I’m not sure if that detail is entirely pregnancy related or not. probably not. Since he made me a mother, Jace has been an extension of my being. Thusly, full time school for him has been the largest disruption to my inner peace that I have faced in this seemingly endless and gloriously gruesome season of life called motherhood.
Here is what I have learned during this emotional first week:
You Have to Let Go… a little
It’s so crazy to me that Jace is already in this stage of life. Building a life and creating the person that he will be for the rest of forever. And suddenly, a large part of this process is out of my control. For seven hours of the day he is living and growing without me. I don’t know if the thought of all of this independence only scares me so much because he is my first child, or if I’m a paranoid freak?? Anyone?? I’ve never really had to put him in daycare or have any serious baby sitting situation, so until now… I haven’t missed a single page in the masterpiece that will be his life. And I am so sad to finally face the music and let go a little. I’m working on it. 😉
You Have to be Happy for Them
His enthusiasm is both heartbreaking and comforting. Despite having very limited experience being left in unfamiliar places throughout his life… Jace approaches school with boundless enthusiasm and excitement every. damn. morning. Even almost through the second week now…he’s excited to go to bed, just so he can wake up and get ready for school. I will admit, this is probably a good thing because I truly don’t think I could have left a crying child behind on that very first day. In many ways it makes me proud; proud that he is so confident and sure of himself even when venturing into the unknown. Also that regardless of his previously “sheltered” lifestyle, he approaches life with zest and never fear.
But I will admit that my heart aches each morning when he jumps out of the car (after kissing me goodbye, of course!) and sends me off with eyes sparkling with delight and a grin that touches his ears. His hugs do not linger and his courage does not waver. It is a mixed blessing that I am entirely alone in my separation anxiety.
There is Opportunity to Bond with your Other Child/ren
I am excited for all of the time I am going to have with Zoey, at least before Baby 3 arrives. As the second (and soon to be middle) child, Zoey has never gotten a lot of one on one time with me. Or anyone else for that matter. She is struggling with it for now… she can’t wait to get Jace when the afternoon rolls around, but we have started enjoying our girl time. She loves cuddling in with me for a nap (#thirdtrimesterprobs) and not having to fight for space. Then she also loves having unlimited access to the Playstation controllers that Jace usually dominates. Now she can navigate Netflix like a pro, something she never had to do on her own before thanks to Big Brother. She seems to be a weird combination of relieved and lonely.
But I will say, doing life with one child is infinitely easier than doing it with two. I had forgotten. You almost become immune to the incessant bickering between the two, having both of your hands full at all times, constantly bouncing your eyes back and forth between two locations at the house/beach/park/store/ you name it, and buying two treats with your coffee for the kiddos in the backseat.
This is My Life Now…Ready or Not
Life has a way of carrying on whether we’re ready for it or not. There were probably a million reasons that I wasn’t “ready” to have Jace at all almost six years ago, the same way I am a million times not ready to let go of him now. But I did it then, and it became my life, the same way this routine will. The wheel stops turning for no one.
I suppose it goes back to my new and improved attitude in regards to change. You can read more about that here.
What was your first kindergarten experience like?! Did you have as hard a time as me?